Pets: Family Member or Family Meal?

Something I've noticed among European adults who arrived on 'cake' shores as children is a profound desire for pets. There is a yearning to love, nurture and raise an animal, but often I question the motives based on the values bred into them as children by their presents. You see 'cake' have a tendency to incorporate animals into something other than a meal. 'Cake' children are often given a pet to incorporate into the family when their parents saddle said child with the responsibility of a small rodent or single orange fish which will no doubt perish under their unobservant eyes. It is really of no consequence on account that these orphaned animals are relatively cheap and replacements are easily found at the local mall with minimal effort. Little 'cakes' are usually so disinterested after the first day or two that replacement gerbils and/or goldfish are substituted without notice which is good because 'cake' kids are usually unreasonably loud with their crying despite not knowing the name of their recently deceased pet. Even still, little 'cakers' love those first few moments with a pet and it represents a passage of sorts into pre-adulthood. 'Cake' parents recognize this and it also acts as a pre-planned 'no' for larger pets in the foreseeable future. All the parent has to do is reference the aforementioned fish or rodent, now flushed down the toilet, and 'cake' junior has no leg to stand on, though it builds a strong foundation and eventual respect for animals.

This is where Euro parents should take note. Their own children will never fully integrate into 'cake' society if pets continue to move beyond family members and into the realm of shared family meals.

Look back on your childhood Euro chums and see the difference between 'cake' life and that which your parents had you live.

There should be no confusion as to which childhood memory belongs to who. On the left we have 'cake' pseudo-celebrity Sharon Lewis in her family orientated show starring none other than a cute and cuddly lamb, appropriately named Lamb Chop. On the right we have what European parents turn cute and cuddly lambs into. Yes, 'cake' children are shown that animals are our friends and can be part of our TV room family, rather than something to be enjoyed with a delicious mint jelly.

What about that all important first pet? Well, the story doesn't get any better as you'll see below.

Clearly, the European parent is trying to stamp out any chance of integration by stamping out that first pet right of passage. How does a new child in the land of 'cake' relate to that first pet experience his or her native 'cake' friends experience if papa has filleted Scuba Steve, the goldfish?

Unfortunately the carnage doesn't end there. Not only are Euro kids ostracized from their 'cake' friends, but papa isn't satisfied until junior is devouring another sacred animal and segregated from other foreign children, namely the Indian children. How does papa manage this diabolical task? Behold, India's sacred cow no more!

Yes, it has been referenced before, but now you see the insatiable appetite for righteous, sacred animals. Whether it is a childhood friend on TV; a live friend in an aquarium to be tended to for a few minutes before losing interest in and rejoining your TV friend; a sacred animal to be revered, it matters not. Mama and papa see not a family member, but a family meal.

There isn't enough Internet to post all the pets made into creative meals, but the last example is a friend, a form of therapy for autistic children, an entertainer, and, according to some Europeans, a damn fine sausage. I am talking about … no, see for yourself …

Damn you Nicolas Sarkozy! Damn you and your insatiable appetite for all things mammal! Eat the mustard sandwich will you, and leave the children's My Little Pony alone! When a little girl asks for a pony for her birthday, she wants to enjoy the 'cake' dream all little female 'cakes' share, to graduate from toy plastic ponies to the real thing. She doesn't want a sausage. Sorry there are no ponies left Lucija … papa was hungry.

My name is Coco and I'm calling the OSPCA!

LOL What?

In order to reach a wider audience Cake Defined has opted to sacrifice a portion (read: all) artistic integrity and will attempt to incorporate new, mainstream trends in the form of LOL cats. Yes, LOL cats. What's a LOL cat you ask? Well, it is hard to explain since neither cats, nor cheeseburgers exist in Europe, but the LOL cat is much like a small European child, discovering new wants and desires in the land of 'cake.' Let us look at one of the original LOL cats and draw the similarities so that my friends of Euro-centric origins can understand.

First and foremost we are drawn to the cat's horrendous spelling and grammar. Many that are new to the land of 'cake' are not completely familiar with the language of their hosts, and nor do they have to be. The 'cake' dialect is a hard one to master. Poor grammar and pronunciation abound in Euro children, through no fault of their own, with all the "vhat's" "vhere's" and "vhy's." Here is a clear cut comparison between 'cake' and Euro when saying the exact same thing:

CAKE: Why would you perform a task in that manner? It is far more efficient when done this way.
NEWLY ARRIVED EURO FRIEND: Vhy for you do zhat? It no make a sense.

I blame non-'cake' parents with their stubborn insistence on only speaking the tongue of the old country. This clearly handicaps the integration of their children into 'cake' society by making them sound like a cat of the LOL variety rather than the functional literates they could be.

The second similarity between LOL cat and Euro kid is the desire for what would otherwise be considered absurd in their respective native environments - the cheezeburger. It is not absurd to think Euro kids would desire beef (see previous entries regarding the eating of India's sacred cows) and cheese (see previous entry referencing Euros' love of cheese … probably the same one referencing the eating of the sacred cows). Christ, the kid is no doubt lured by the promise of ham, as a HAMburger would insinuate. Pork obsession aside, there is no reasonable explanation why a Euro child would ask for a food he or she has otherwise never heard of. The same could be said for LOL cat. How does that cat know what a 'cheezeburger' is? They don't exist in cat society, well … no more than they exist in European childhoods. Should a Euro kid ask, the child is clearly mimicking what he or she overheard in a 'cake' school's cafeteria. There is no understanding of the words leaving the mouth. Should this broken English question be asked at home, rather than school, there would no doubt be repercussions for our unwitting adolescent. Mama no like the cheezeburgers.

Should that question be asked in a European kitchen and a beating NOT ensue, mama, or potentially papa, would end up becoming a LOL cat themselves with their predictable response. Behold mama Euro LOL cat and the future of Cake Defined …

I don't think any further explanation is required. Any Euro child should immediately see their mother in that picture. All the elements are there:

1. Broken 'cake' dialect.
2. Reference to the 'old contree.'
3. Typical Euro garb.
4. Denial of all things 'cake.'

My name is Coco and your parents are an inspiration for future pictures of cats.

Photo Blog #2

There is a legend in 'cake' lore that tells of a prophet that will one day come across an invention so glorious in nature that it will revolutionize the 'cake' world. The yet unknown prophet will discover this not by means of creating it him or herself, but, by finding it unheralded in another's land. I am proud today to proclaim that I believe I am that 'cake' prophet and that I have found that invention, sitting idly in the land of cruise missiles and super-sized fries. I have encountered that which will one day be capable of further unifying 'cake' families, already themselves victims of high divorce rates and severe lack of pop culture knowledge. Behold the prophecy fulfilled!

Salivate as traditional 'cake' delights abound, dispensed from a pump high above. Magical mayo, delicious ketchup and inspiring mustard come together from one awe-inspiring source. The potential for instant sandwiches has been found, ney, unleashed! At the risk of blowing your fragile Euro-centric minds I dare say you've known nothing of taste potential, what with everything resembling a pig. Here you can take what you've learned from me in this educational portal and literally put it all together. Ketchup, mustard and mayo all on one sandwich … the possibility is scary to think of, but the forbidden fruit always tastes best! Go ahead, be the Eve to my Adam. You know you want to. Don't worry, you won't be cast from the garden of 'cake,' but you may become 'cake' and find yourself ostracized from your so called Euro friends. A small price to pay for a taste of the future.

As the man who has discovered the true potential of this invention I'm not sure whether to call it a 'cake' triumvirate, a 'cake' trifecta or the holy trinity. Regardless of what you wish to call it, it is awesome and will be the unifying force that keeps 'cake' moms (or dads) out of the kitchen and in front of the television, where they should be, with the rest of the family. With more time in front of the proverbial tube 'cake' families will become a beacon to the rest of the world, an example for all to follow when it comes to family relations. Single 'cake' moms will now have convenience AND variety. What more could any child, 'cake' or otherwise, want?

My name is Coco and Euro children rejoice - you are privy to history unfolding!