The Condiment Myth - Part 1

One of the first myths perpetuated by freshly arrived European migrants, to their offspring, is that mustard is simply a condiment, not something to be enjoyed as a stand alone meal. At first glance it is hard to understand why Euro parents would be so shrill, duping their ignorant and impressionable children. It came to me when I really wanted to use the word mustard in the title of this blog entry, but I wasn't sure if the old school Euro friends following the blog (the ones in need of these free educational webinars) would run from their computer, screaming in a panic something about 'ze Germans.' You see, this is an identifiable hang-up Euros have with mustard - it is synonymous with a traumatic Oktoberfest experience where they were no doubt gorging themselves upon pork sausages (see previous blog entry about Euros and their love of pork) and 'ze Germans' contaminated this free-for-all of sausages with mustard and sauerkraut. Subsequently, 'ze Germans' were called 'krauts' by their fellow European brethren, and in retaliation for this name calling we were all given WW1 and the dreaded mustard gas.*

I digress. Mustard in the land of 'cake,' unlike the rest of Europa, was not criminalized following the great war. In fact, mustard flourished in the land of 'cake,' becoming a splendid meal in its own right. It was celebratory in nature, but soon became a breakfast staple. No longer was mustard dependent upon other sandwich 'fillers,' no, mustard was in a league of its own and 'cake' loved it 'cause 'cake' love victory!

Pop quiz #1: what does the below picture depict?

If you said "German weapon of mass destruction from the early 20th century," you really need to get with the times. Furthermore, you need to subscribe to this blog and pay close attention. If you said "beginning of a prosciutto sandwich," you're wrong again and you seriously need to get your Euroland, pork-obsessed mind off the pig. The correct answer is that it is an open-faced mustard sandwich. The mustard sandwich is a renowned 'cake' breakfast made of but two simple ingredients: white bread and mustard. This is almost identical to the ketchup sandwich which is more of a 'cake' luncheon or dinner whereby the mustard is substituted with ketchup. Ketchup sandwiches will be covered in part 2 of the condiment myth.

Pop quiz #2: what does the below picture depict?

If you said "German weapon of mass destruction from the early 20th century," you're bordering on the designation of 'lost cause,' and may never fully integrate into 'cake' society. If you said "open-faced mustard sandwich" you're wrong again. Where has it ever been written that 'cake' eat anything other than white bread? The above is clearly the beginning of some Euro-inspired pork-type sandwich on whole wheat bread that will include some foreign looking yellow/grey stuff as a condiment. You should have noted by now that French's mustard, the only mustard worthy of 'cake,' is fluorescent yellow. All other mustards aren't really mustards at all, but rather concoctions created by foreigners to help their children fit in along side 'cake' children while they eat delicious mustard sandwiches. The only acceptable variation of the mustard sandwich is to toast the white bread before applying the mustard. This is known in 'cake' circles as the 'toasted mustard sandwich on white.'

My name is Coco and this has been part 1 of 2.

* When mustard gas was used by 'ze Germans' at the battle of Ypres, it is rumored that 'Cake' troops stationed at their position of the trench used white bread, previously slated for Fluffernutter sandwiches, as gas masks. When 'ze Germans' were sent back scared after intense fighting, 'Cake' troops pulled off their make shift masks and it was roughly time for brunch. So began the first ever open-faced mustard sandwiches.