The Incredible Instant Salad!

There are few foods, 'cake,' Euro, or otherwise that have the versatility of mayonnaise. 'Mayo,' as it is often referred to in 'cake' circles, is a magical food of biblical proportions - performing feats of astonishment on par with those attributed to the bible's protagonist, Mr. Jesus Christ. In fact, there is a new school of history revisionists who believe mayo may have been around in the time of Jesus. If these revisionists are correct it may reduce the amount of miracles credited to Jesus and up the amount attributed to mayo.

Mayo, like its ketchup and mustard counter-parts, is by all means an acceptable sandwich. It is a delectable combination of oil, egg and vinegar or lemon juice. Some speculate that olives provide the oil ingredient, making it a Mediterranean inspired food, but if that were true, why are there so few Euro parents who approve of the mayo sandwich. Even when straddled between a German-esque kaiser (Germanic for King), the sandwich (Fig. 1) is shunned in European circles.

Fig.1

The concession in this sandwich is both the use of a bread named after a European monarch, and the straying from 'cake's' beloved brand: Wonder. Even still, with these peaceful concessions, the mayo sandwich is struggling to make it's way onto Euro dining room tables where children yearn for something other than schnitzels. Euro kids realize mayo is much more than a delicious sandwich, though it is most certainly a delicious sandwich. None know the exact properties that give mayo it's magical abilities but it is, without question, magical.

To demonstrate let us take the example of chicken. Chicken on it's own is, at best, a passable means of subsistence. Our mutual friend, the Mexican, alludes to the redundant blandness of what 'cake' and Euro alike, enjoy on a weekly basis - chicken Thursday. What our Mexican friend has wrong is the means in which to remedy this circle of poultry tastelessness. He would have us all believe that his fellow Mexicans hold the answer in a taco kit from the ancient land known only as Olde El Paso. This isn't the first time Mexicans have offered solutions to mutual cake and Euro troubles. Look to any manufacturing industry and you'll see the Mexican's cheaper, more cost efficient labour force; Juan Valdez to motivate those still employed in the land of 'cake;' and tequila for those no longer employed as a result of the industrial Mexican peoples. Thanks Mexico, but you've done enough for us to earn my eternal gratitude. The REAL answer to chicken Thursday's is right here at home in the land of 'cake,' and it's called mayo! So take note my Mexican and Euro friends for you have been served. Not with a petty lawsuit, but the wisdom of how to properly prepare (insert food here) salad. Chicken salad, potato salad and, dare I say it, pork salad! All you lack, children from your respective 'yonders' is mayo. I shall provide a recipe you can try tonight in order to prove my claims and win your foreign-born parents' approval.

Step 1: go to mama's kitchen and procure a cooked chicken (or more likely, pork) cutlet.
Step 2: cut said cutlet (or schnitzel) in to pieces.
Step 3: add mayo. BAM! You now have chicken (or pork) salad.
Step 4: place meat-based salad between two pieces of Wonder+ white bread. Non-meat salads should be served cold, as a side, to the aforementioned meat-based salad sandwich. Non-meat salads include, but are not limited to, potato salad, macaroni salad and bread salad (a.k.a. the mayo sandwich).

Take a minute to make yourself a salad. I'll wait.

Good job my foreign friend. You're on your way to flavor on a whole new, never before imagined, level. Cake Life will soon be launching a fashion line of sorts in support of this magical, locally produced food. Figure 2 clearly demonstrates 'cake's' commitment to local, homegrown solutions.

Fig.2

My name is Coco and you've got yourself a multitude of trendy, tree-hugging, save the whales, locavore 'cake' recipes!

Spring of 2011 is upon us!

As Spring is steadily, if not painstakingly slowly, making its way into the land of 'cake,' more and more Euro parents are finding their way back to the proverbial 'old country.' They do this by way of tradition, not actually making the journey back home. No, that pilgrimage is for later in life - another topic for a later date. Having crossed the Atlantic, home is here now, in the land of 'cake.' Euro seniors, however, are taking this opportunity and coming together in a reactionary movement to keep their children Eurofied. Enter Spring, the Euro pre-harvest season. It is the season of ploughing, planting and forced child labour under the guise of 'remembering one's roots.' Euro children are always fed this line in a hopeless attempt to keep them from the inevitable assimilation into 'cake,' as if passing judgement on the 'cake's extraordinary ability to import foreign foods from exotic Florida, USA and Chile, Mexico. Yes, Spring is upon us and there is no better confirmation than looking out your window and seeing the local European mother surveying her land, planning for the season ahead. See Fig.1

Fig.1

These moms are an annual sight in the land of 'cake' whether you're in the thriving metropolis of Toronto, Ontario or rural Somewhere, Manitoba. All you have to do is look out your window and hearty Euro moms are planting crops on land not zoned for agricultural purposes and that's how you know that Spring has arrived. Behold their rustic, manual hand tools and ox-less ox carts dragged across field and front lawn alike. I can't help but admire their Luddite tendencies; the swelling pride in their unwillingness to embrace technology. One word: admirable. Who needs an easier life? Not mama. Just ask her. This is in great contrast to what 'cake' parents are doing.

'Cake' look to the consistency of year round, non-seasonal cans to produce food (Fig. 2) rather than the insect-infested, manure-soaked dirt referred to as soil. This allows 'cake' to spend their time productively sitting on patios, drinking wonderful variations of liquor-infused cocktails while pre-teen 'cake' are watching the little 'cakes' at home, thus preparing them for the inevitable teenage pregnancy 'cake' girls are inexplicably susceptible to. Euro girls are instead tending their parents' fields or remaining chaste by serving at the local convent.

Fig.2

"Look Gordie, that can is birthing a whole chicken!"


Euro life beckons many like a sultry siren, away from the over-indulgent 'cake' life of smart phones, processed foods and electricity. It doesn't make much sense to a 'cake' like myself, but to those who dare to enter Europa, they are treated to a world full of simplistic, dignified pain. Unfortunately, this doesn't help Euro girls prepare for motherhood. Who has the upper hand now? Nostrovia!

My name is Coco and I'm a closet urban farmer!

Mac & Cheese & Ketchup!

'Cake' have a history of amazing food creations that Euro children have always yearned for, but long been denied such as Kool-Aid, the artificial fruit drink; Fluff, the spreadable marshmallow; and "I can't believe it's not butter," simulated butter spread. Yes, 'cake' have long been pioneers in the delicious food industry. Yet, with all this ingenuity at hand
'cake' have always enjoyed the occasional throw back to their friends' Euro-centric heritage - a chance to kick it culturally old-school! No 'cake' dish better celebrates European fare better than Kraft Mac & Cheese with a healthy dose of Heinz Ketchup. On the surface this dish may as well be straight out of your mama's kitchen - a recipe handed down the ages. See if you can tell which of the following dishes is 'cake,' and which was perfected over many generations of family traditional dinners.

Fig. A

Fig. B

Hard to tell isn't? If you're still unsure which is which, 'A' is a rustic, out of date, overly complicated European recipe that takes way to long to prepare. 'B' on the other hand, is an ingenious, modern dish created by a 'cake' mom that, believe it or not, probably only took mere minutes to put together in a microwave, or 'magic box' as many parents of European descent refer to it.

The Similarities:
* Noodles
* Cheese
* Tomato-based 'sauce'

The differences:
* 'Cake' noodles are efficiently machine formed in this post-industrial age of progress whereas Euro noodles are painstakingly hand made by someone's Nona, potentially violating local labour laws and clearly hoping that Nona had the good sense of personal hygiene to wash her now sore, arthritic hands. 'Cake' noodles clearly let you sleep with a clear conscience. How you sleep after selfishly gorging on your mama's home cooked pasta meal(s) is beyond me. What's wrong with you?

* Europeans, and their love of cheese (and other animal byproducts) is legendary. They go to great lengths to extract what they often call "the food of their god(s)," but it doesn't come without its own set of drawbacks. To satisfy the Euro lust of solidified, formed animal milk they hook up cows, goats and Swiss citizens to pumps and suck the very life from a multitude of nipple like appendages. Siphons are typically painful, especially for the Swiss citizens who already have a fragile constitution after years of providing milk for their European country men during the time Indians were hoarding their sacred cows. 'Cake' cheese, in comparison, is made of delicious powders that did not require the enslaving of various animals and one European citizenry. No, 'cake' powdered cheese, just like aerosol and squeeze cheese, could be easily endorsed by PETA, if 'cake' actually cared enough to pursue animal-friendly certification. With a secret combination of magical ingredients no living creatures were harmed in the making of Kraft's cheese powder. Now that's cold, hard currency you can take to the ol' karma bank!

* The raison d'être in this dish, the 'cake' dish anyways, is ketchup. In some area of Euroland they use tomato sauce, but at what cost? European parents, most of which are sons and daughters of the soil, trudge around in endless fields trying to gather enough resources, under the scorching sun, to create some sort of sauce to place upon their unconscionable noodles. More slave labour from the family's elders so their children can eat without any sense of gratitude. Then again, how thankful can someone be for a dish made from illegally crafted noodles, cheese from beaten animals and sauce from arthritic grandparents? Would it not make sense to enlist the help of Heinz and their squeezable bottles full of delicious tomato-like contents with a legal limit of pigeon feces per parts million? Instant gratification in a bottle!

If you poor, deprived Euro children are still not sold, imagine this: Mac & Cheese & Ketchup & Some form of pig! In a last ditch attempt to ween you off your labour intensive, elderly abusing meals, 'cake' have upped the ante to entice you into joining your 'cake' surroundings. While the rest of your friends slaughter animals for food and discard the Indian caste equivalent of "untouchables," 'cake' offer you efficient pig meat in the form of hotdogs!

Fig. C

Delicious!

My name is Coco and your parents secretly want you to eat this stuff!

Photo Blog #1

As I journey through life it is necessary to document that which can be considered 'cake,'and subsequently post it for both your reading pleasure as well as your required education. Few things on God's green earth more accurately portray 'cake' than that which my culture make a majority of their noon hour meals with - enriched white Wonder bread, completely void of any nutritional value.

In the above photo we see both 'cake' and 'cake' culture, side-by-side in one amazingly 'cake' photograph. The first of two subjects, the 'caker' himself, is seen throwing up what might otherwise be construed as a gang sign. It is a common mistake made by those newly arrived in the land of 'cake,' and you would be wrong to think this is any sort of provocation of violence. No, this is simply one of the 'cake' identifying himself and the second subject of the photograph (the Wonder bread truck) as 'cake.' It is no different than those not from this land to brandish flags from the old country every four years if their countrymen are fortunate enough to make it to the world cup of soccer ('cake' for footy ball, or football or whatever your foreign dialect wishes to call it). It is simply pride and nothing more. Gaze upon the beautiful red letters of WONDER and the little blue '+' sign that insinuates there is more than meets the eye to Wonder's delicious white bread. But really, what more could there be? It is perfection!

My name is Coco and this has been a public service announcement.

Fact vs. Fiction - A Pig! A Pig! Everywhere a Pig!

This is not an apology in the common, everyday sense to express regret or remorse. No, this is a scholar's apology, the type that explains the reason or reasons behind a particular argument. This statement is that the European brain is hard-wired for pork. When a scholar's teachings are ever called into question, it is the responsibility of that educator to prove to his or her disciples that he or she is, in fact, an expert in his or her respective field, which in my case is 'Cake' and 'Euro-Cake' relations. In order to preserve the integrity of the lessons, past and present, herein, I am obligated to demonstrate to all students that my knowledge base is absolute. Though I have never been called to task for my statement that those of European descent are inexplicably obsessed with the swine, this entry is a pre-emptive strike at anyone thinking of questioning the lessons given on this blog.
My Euro friends' parents have interesting and creative ways in which to serve pig: schnitzel, sausage and straight up tender loins. I can't call that an obsession, rather that's just deliciousness. My concern is for the youngest of generations of Euro children here in the land of 'cake.' Diabolically, parents have past on an obsession from the old country and engrained it in their children's psyche that pig is not just a meal but also a treat - serving some form of it for more than just breakfast, lunch and dinner. There is no problem with bacon for breakfast, ham sandwiches for lunch and schnitzel for dinner aside from the obvious internal side-effects. No, the problem lies when a child is done with his or her ham sandwich and rummages through their lunch bag yearning for dessert only to be staring yet another pig in the face. Enter "Fred Ferkle!"

Even Euro candy is shaped like our barnyard friend, the pig. What hope do the spawn of newly arrived European parents have of integrating with their 'cake' hosts when they are fed pork and pseudo-pork 24/7? 'Cake,' with their infinite politeness and inclusive intentions, are thrown back as yet another serving of pig is pulled from Euro Junior's lunch satchel. Looking to help their foreign classmate out, little 'cake' is quick to offer something more appropriate such as a marshmallow candy cigarette or gum made to appear as chewing tobacco. It's no use though. The child from across the pond is already accustomed to swine and his parents' pseudo-swine treats.

Who knows? Maybe Fred Ferkel does have some form of pig in him.

My name is Coco and in moderation, I too, dig the pig!