'cake' have always enjoyed the occasional throw back to their friends' Euro-centric heritage - a chance to kick it culturally old-school! No 'cake' dish better celebrates European fare better than Kraft Mac & Cheese with a healthy dose of Heinz Ketchup. On the surface this dish may as well be straight out of your mama's kitchen - a recipe handed down the ages. See if you can tell which of the following dishes is 'cake,' and which was perfected over many generations of family traditional dinners.
Fig. A
Fig. B
Hard to tell isn't? If you're still unsure which is which, 'A' is a rustic, out of date, overly complicated European recipe that takes way to long to prepare. 'B' on the other hand, is an ingenious, modern dish created by a 'cake' mom that, believe it or not, probably only took mere minutes to put together in a microwave, or 'magic box' as many parents of European descent refer to it.
The Similarities:
* Noodles
* Cheese
* Tomato-based 'sauce'
The differences:
* 'Cake' noodles are efficiently machine formed in this post-industrial age of progress whereas Euro noodles are painstakingly hand made by someone's Nona, potentially violating local labour laws and clearly hoping that Nona had the good sense of personal hygiene to wash her now sore, arthritic hands. 'Cake' noodles clearly let you sleep with a clear conscience. How you sleep after selfishly gorging on your mama's home cooked pasta meal(s) is beyond me. What's wrong with you?
* Europeans, and their love of cheese (and other animal byproducts) is legendary. They go to great lengths to extract what they often call "the food of their god(s)," but it doesn't come without its own set of drawbacks. To satisfy the Euro lust of solidified, formed animal milk they hook up cows, goats and Swiss citizens to pumps and suck the very life from a multitude of nipple like appendages. Siphons are typically painful, especially for the Swiss citizens who already have a fragile constitution after years of providing milk for their European country men during the time Indians were hoarding their sacred cows. 'Cake' cheese, in comparison, is made of delicious powders that did not require the enslaving of various animals and one European citizenry. No, 'cake' powdered cheese, just like aerosol and squeeze cheese, could be easily endorsed by PETA, if 'cake' actually cared enough to pursue animal-friendly certification. With a secret combination of magical ingredients no living creatures were harmed in the making of Kraft's cheese powder. Now that's cold, hard currency you can take to the ol' karma bank!
* The raison d'être in this dish, the 'cake' dish anyways, is ketchup. In some area of Euroland they use tomato sauce, but at what cost? European parents, most of which are sons and daughters of the soil, trudge around in endless fields trying to gather enough resources, under the scorching sun, to create some sort of sauce to place upon their unconscionable noodles. More slave labour from the family's elders so their children can eat without any sense of gratitude. Then again, how thankful can someone be for a dish made from illegally crafted noodles, cheese from beaten animals and sauce from arthritic grandparents? Would it not make sense to enlist the help of Heinz and their squeezable bottles full of delicious tomato-like contents with a legal limit of pigeon feces per parts million? Instant gratification in a bottle!
If you poor, deprived Euro children are still not sold, imagine this: Mac & Cheese & Ketchup & Some form of pig! In a last ditch attempt to ween you off your labour intensive, elderly abusing meals, 'cake' have upped the ante to entice you into joining your 'cake' surroundings. While the rest of your friends slaughter animals for food and discard the Indian caste equivalent of "untouchables," 'cake' offer you efficient pig meat in the form of hotdogs!
Fig. C
Delicious!
My name is Coco and your parents secretly want you to eat this stuff!
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